You are never lonely with God

These past few days have been tough. Loneliness sometimes takes over and I feel incredibly overwhelmed. I am struggling with this change…well is it really still considered change when you’ve been actually dealing with it for a year.

I said it before and I said it again I LOVE living in Philly…BUUUUUTTTT I miss my friends and family. One of my best friends actually lives in the same city but we barely see each other. She has not only her family but school and a very demanding job to tend to. So I understand why but I generally make friends really quickly and I haven’t really found a “friend” to pal around with. Don’t get me wrong I do enjoy my “me “time.I really do but every now and then I’d like to go to out to eat, have coffee see a movie with a friend. I know a HUGE part of the reason I am not is me. I haven’t exactly put myself out there.

I live in a major city and there is tons to do. I’m only in my early 30’s. There are happy hours, live music events, etc. There really is no reason why I have not found one person to hang out with. I’m just used to going to these things with someone. I remember when I was feeling like this a few months ago. I talked to a good friend of mine. She said something to me that stays with me to this day. She told me “Shiloh, you are on your own a lot and have so much time to yourself because for so long you put EVERYTHING else as a priority besides your relationship with God. Now, God wants your undivided attention.”

I believed her and I still do. Deep down I know I put my previous relationship and any and everything else before growing and building my relationship with God. I start and stop devotionals (I have a bunch), reading my Bible. I am working on being consistent but this walk with Christ is not easy. I still feel the ways of the world pulling  me back sometimes. These are things that are not as important as growing in the Lord  and I am ashamed to admit that it is much easier to dwell and put them in front of God. Just typing that makes me feel terrible. God has blessed me so much the least I could do is read and study his word. I’m not perfect. I’m a work in progress and I know God knows that. I have to remember that regardless of how lonely I feel God is always with me.

I’m going to keep trying. I pray that the Lord continues to work on me and the Holy Spirit guides me.

I do not want to sound ungrateful in any way. There are people who are dealing with FAR WORSE than me. I love and thank God for my blessing I’m just having a moment. I swear this is the last “woe is me” entry (for anyone who reads what I write) After this it’s positivity. I am just having a moment. I won’t dwell too much in it.

I know God has so much in store for me as long as I keep seeking him and I will. I know there will be other times and moments when I won’t feel so great but I will not let the devil win! With that being said I will end this entry on a note of positivity and one of my favorite scriptures ( so far…I’m still learning while reading the Bible)

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I hope everyone has a great day! Also….Happy MLK day! Let’s remember the amazing work this man did and his dream for our country!

Shiloh

What a difference a year makes…..

Tomorrow makes it exactly 1 year since my breakup with my ex. (See previous blog post Heartbreak,Change and Starting Over) Within a year I moved to a completely different city, started a new job and a new life. Not a real exciting one right now but new none the less.

We broke up in January ad I moved in with my best friend and her family. I have some AWESOME friends who are pretty much family. It was while I was living with them that I realized I needed a change. I needed a fresh start. I was pretty much over living in Harrisburg (Hbg). I was ready for some place new. I moved to Hbg in April of 2008, my ex and I started dating in June/July of 2008 so pretty much my ENTIRE time in Hbg was with him. It was time to go. COntinuing to live there was difficult.

I looked up jobs in one of my FAVORITE places PHILADELPHIA! I have ALWAYS loved this city. Always something to do (lots of free stuff), the history ( my weakness), its lively, fun, exciting I could go on and on. I applied to a few jobs and I was blessed with the one I currently have.

I moved to Philly in June. I lived with some family for a month and a half and then found my apartment in the Germantown area of Philly…one it’s most historical areas. I fell in love with it! I’ve been here for about 4 months.

If you would have asked me this time last year if I would believe I would be living and working in Philly I would not have believed it.

A lot of prayer, planning, and tears went into moving. I truly thank GOd for the blessings. He blessed me more than I deserve. Even when I found myself 95% of the time idolizing my breakup and focusing on him 5% of the time he still showed me he’s with me. I’ve been better with growing my relationship with him. I am still a work in progress but I have seen first hand what he can do with just the tiniest bit of faith.

In a year my eight year relationship ended with a person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, I moved to a new city, have a new place to live and a new job, new church and am making new friends and some awesome memories. Now I will be honest the job is not the one I will be retiring from but it has been a blessing and for that I am grateful.

I’ve been a bit emotional. I still miss him. Sometimes I still can’t believe we don’t talk or see each other anymore. I plan to text him on his birthday this month. Whether he replies (positive or negative) or not I will try to not let it affect me.

I have to let him go and I am working on that. These past few months I have focused more on God and less on the breakup. I know that I should really put all my focus on the Lord.

I plan to make this year a memorable one. I have NO clue what the Lord has planned for me but knowing he will be there with me gives me GREAT comfort. Last year I realized I’m stronger than I think. I plan to use that strength this year.

I want to be open to new experiences, opportunities and blessings. I want to be open to love and I am sure while I growing in the Lord he will send me the man for me….when he knows I’m ready!

What a difference a year makes!

The Old College Try

Sometimes  I feel like I’m getting too old to try new things. I know that sounds crazy. I never was one who likes change. I always had a difficult time embracing change. (You probably know this if you read my previous posts)  I always wanted to be one of those people who could just roll with the punches. Sadly, I am not BUT I am working on it. For years now I have been wanting to get back into college. I did go back about 2 years ago but then life intervened and I couldn’t continue. I was supposed to go back just this fall and yet again another set back I started to think that maybe it’s just not meant for me to finish. I just keep having set back after set back. It sounds silly but I just feel so incomplete not having my bachelors degree. I’m so close yet so far. 

In an effort to focus on myself that is a goal of mine. To once and for enroll and finish my degree. I was a History major with a minor in African American Studies. My goal once finishing undergrad was to go straight to grad school. The overall goal was to be a History professor. I know I know…may sound boring but that is the one subject on school I LOVED! I still do. I wanted to enlighten young minds. There is something about being on a college campus that gives me the feeling of possibility. As though ANYTHING is possible regardless of your age, finances or circumstances. You can be anything. Yes I know that sound so cheesy. What can I say I can be a little corny. 🙂 But I would be lying if  said I didn’t feel that way.  

Maybe that’s what I need to do. Maybe I should visit my old college again. I did that before a few years ago ( and blogged about it…shameless plug 🙂 ) and I had that feeling. I think I may do that. I want to finish and continue on. I know that being a professor is going to close to impossible. My grades in college were not the best. I focused a lot on the social aspect of it and not enough on the actual education aspect. I’ll have to retake classes but I think that is something that I am willing to do I’ve also thought about majoring in something completely different. But what that is I’m not sure. Something to consider.

I see so many people that are not what you would consider “traditional students” attending college continuing and finishing. I have to admit it inspires me. People twice my age getting their degrees and STARTING careers. I see them and smile. Why can’t I do that? But, then I see younger cousins who are just about to graduate high school and truly begin their lives and I get jealous. Then I get angry that I am jealous of them. It’s wrong to feel that way. In the end I’m happy and proud of them. I can’t be angry or jealous that it’s their turn to experience college. 

I’m slowly learning that the journey I was on when I started college hasn’t really gone it’s changed and as I stated in the beginning of this post…I don’t care for change.  But in an effort to focus on myself  and get back to or maybe find the new me I better start accepting the change. I need that feeling of possibility back. Hmmmmmm………I think it may be time for a drive to the old alma mater or maybe a new one. Time to plan!  

 

 

It’s My Birthday and I’ll Do Nothing If I Want To!

Today is my ……32nd birthday. The first day of my personal new year. It was quite the adult birthday I must say. I had off from work and did pretty much nothing but relax all day. I started to feel sad and pretty lonely. Especially, after my ex (still hate saying/typing that) texted me. He just said Happy Birthday, he misses me and take care. I guess I thought there would be more. It wasn’t until after talking to my bestie that I need to really try to just focus on me. I said this in my last post. It’s so hard for me to do that. I never realized that it would be this difficult to just focus on me.

It was absolutely beautiful today. I went out to the coffee shop had breakfast and just chilled out for about two hours. I came home and felt bad because it was such a nice day. I felt like I should be out doing something. It was my friend who reminded me that it is ok for me to be in the house and to do nothing. So that’s what I did. I have to say it was nice catching up on TV shows I like ( Sleepy Hollow), reading, writing. It was pretty relaxing.

I still thought of (I’m going to change his name out of respect for him)  Sean A LOT.  I missed him so much today. Most days I miss him so much it hurts. The worst is at night. I’m learning to do a lot of things by myself again. There was so much we did together. The pain of our breakup is still pretty bad. From what I hear it will be for awhile. I won’t deny the fact that in my heart of hearts I still hope and pray we find our way back to each other. It’s my nightly prayer. While this journey is still pretty new the focusing on me is by far one of the hardest parts of it. I’m going to try harder to do that. I have somethings in mind that may help…more later!

Shiloh

Heartbreak,Change and Starting Over

My almost 8 year relationship ended a few weeks ago. I’m a huge ball of emotions. One moment I’m content the next I’m a snot crying, sobbing mess. I spent the better part of my twenties with this guy. I still love him and I’m sure I always will.  I gave a great deal of myself in that relationship. We both made mistakes and I do not completely blame him. I take responsibility for my part of it not working. I realized that I need to focus on myself. I lost myself in another person completely. I’m angry with myself for that.  I’m sad that I’m no longer with someone I care so much about…someone I still do care about.

Focus on myself. Focus on myself. Focus on myself.

I moved in with some friends until I can financially stand on my own two feet again. Unfortunately, I’m in a bit more in debt than I care to be. I won’t go into detail about that now. I’m taking this time to focus and get back to myself. The old me. The happy-go-lucky, easily irritated, hopeful, optimistic me! The sad part of this is I don’t even know how to focus on myself. I still worry about my ex. (Doesn’t even sound right to me calling him my ex) I still think about him everyday. I worry about him I still pray for him ( I always will). I have such an awesome support system of friends and family getting me through this time.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m about to be 32 in about a week and a day. This break up is my first heartbreak. This was only my second relationship, my first adult relationship. My support system has been amazing. I’m told daily that they are there for me and that I will be okay. I believe them and appreciate everyone’s love. The thing is though because of my late bloomer status with dating and love I’m having a very hard time processing the feelings that go along with this heartbreak ,severe sadness, hurt, pain, loss. It feels like a death. I’m still grieving.

I’ve been going to a therapist to help me with this. I’v e had one session and have scheduled out the rest of this month and the beginning of March.  I’m hopeful it will help. That along with me growing my relationship with God I’m hopeful I will get back to the person I once was or possibly the person I am meant to be.

This is going to be a long journey. A journey I am scared, worried, excited and curious about going on. So here goes!

 

Stop This Train…..

Ever miss a time you don’t remember?

Just this past weekend I went back to my home town. Went through old pictures of the family with my aunt. I’ve never seen what I looked like as a baby (can you believe that?!?!) and she found pictures of me. I was pretty cute. 🙂 There were three pictures that stood out and two they were of me and my dad. I was about a yr and a half. We were in front of my aunts house. I was happy in these pics and while I can’t even remember taking them everytime I look at them I miss that time. I miss that moment bc then things were innocent. I was
innocent. Everyone I loved (at least that I can imagine) was around. I miss seeing my parents young and full of life. I’m tearing up as I type.

Time just feels like it keeps going too fast and I can’t keep or catch up. My nephew will be 12 tomorrow. My brother will be 24 next month. My family is changing and well from my previous posts you can tell I don’t like change. There is a song by John Mayer called “Stop This Train” that sums up how I feel. That speaks directly to my heart. The chorus of the song goes:

“Stop this train,I need to get off and go home again. I can’t take the speed it’s moving in. I know I can’t but honestly won’t someone stop this train”

Sometimes I miss the past so much it hurts. I know I need to move on. I need to be happy that I still have my family. That I still have my parents my sisters and brother. Change is something I need to embrace instead if fear….

“Fear is a friend who’s misunderstood” another poetic line from Mr. Mayer. I’m trying to accept change. Just gets harder everytime I try but all I can do is try.
Anyone have any advice? Sometimes I feel like what u say is crazy and doesn’t make sense. I’m open to any kind of help, support or advice. BTW…the third pic was of me and my sisters I was prolly around a 2yrs old. I miss those times even though I don’t remember them…….

Change Part 1

Picking up where I left off…..

Me +change = 😦

I don’t know why I never could accept things changing. Part of me thinks it’s because I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of what could or couldn’t happen. I’ve let my fear of change stop me from taking chances or just living life. In addition to that I feel like because of this fear I’ve been a self sabotager (I’m not sure if that is a word or not :-)) I’ve self sabotaged a lot of experiences and CHANGES I’ve needed to make in my life. One example is my weight. I’m over weight and have been for most of my life. I’ve known for a very long time that I need to lose weight mainly because of my health. I would start and stop not really trying. However, I can not say that deep down I was afraid to change my appearance. I have this vision of what I will look like and I wonder if Iwill know how handle the.change with my body. Will I accept it? On the other hand I feel defeated because losing weight OS not and will not.be an easy task. Sometimes I think of how long ot will take and I give up.  This all probably sounds strange, like I’m ranting. My apologies. Hard to when you have so many thoughts you want to share. The next “change” post my thoughts will be much more organized. More later.

Change…Intro

I’m not what you would call a “roll with the punches” type of person. I hate change. I’ve never been able to accept it good or bad. That’s weird right? I feel change coming. I’m not sure which type. Not sure who the change is going to effect but I am sure that its coming and for some reason this time I feel like whatever type of change it is I’ll be able to deal with it. Just a feeling….I could definitely be wrong…More later

My Personal New Year!

Well as you all know my birthday was yesterday…and I’m thinking of my birthday as my personal new year. I won’t make cheesy, never able to do resolutions. I plan to make small goals through out my year. I told you yesterday that I will be going back school in the fall. Another goal which is a goal every year is to be more healthy and loose weight. I hate admitting to you all that I am overweight. I am. If you knew what I looked like it wouldn’t be a big surprise but you can’t so I find a little bit of comfort in that. Lol…..(I’ll post a couple pics in the near future) 🙂

Weightloss is something I have struggled with my whole life. I really have. I’m getting closer and closer to 30’s door. I’m at the bottom of steps of the porch of the screen door of 30’s door. Lol But, as I am reaching 30 I realize that I NEED to take care of me. I need to get my weight in control and I need to be healthy. It’s tough. It’s sooooooo much easier to hit up the drive through than to make a salad at home. A juicy steak with garlic mashed potatoes tastes waaaay better than a healthy choice meal. And need I mention the isle in the grocery store that is dedicated to healthy more natural and organic food but the food cost 2x’s the amount of the “regular” food. We’re told to eat more healthy and buy more natural and organic products but I have to danm near take out a loan to to pay for the groceries! Sorry for the rant it just gets frustrating. All of the frustration turns into anger and the anger becomes hunger…and well there’s the trip to the $ menu!

Not this year! I’m making a conscious effort to eat better. I will find thrifty ways to eat better and save a couple dollars in the process. If any of YOU have any advice, or tips I encourage you to share! I’m definitely open to suggestions and would appreciate any help and support! I have to admit I didn’t start my new year the best way…but everyday or in my case meal is a chance to start over! I really hope.to hear from you!! 🙂

More later….more goals to share!

My Birthday/Inspired

Well today is my birthday and I have to say that I truly enjoyed my birthday weekend/day. Saturday I went to my hometown and celebrated my birthday and my cousins birthday. We laughed, ate and were merry (Lol… :-)) It was a relaxing trip. I always love being around my family. They keep me grounded and show unconditional love.

Monday (Presidents Day) my friend and I took off from work. I wasn’t feeling to well in the morning and called off by afternoon I felt fine. Anyway, we ran some errands and decided we should take a visit to the college we attended and visit our professor. This was the mini road trip I needed. The road trip that inspired me.

We got in campus and right away I got that feeling I get when ever I’m on a college campus….the feeling of POSSIBILITY! I always get that feeling. I know a college campus, teaching being a history professor is my calling. I’ve always known it. I let my dreams, my goals fall by the way side and I have always hated myself for it. I could have went back a few years ago but like came up with every excuse as to why I couldn’t go back. Money, time, work, etc. There were even times where I would start the process of going back to school and let other things going on in my life hinder me. With all that said my professor (who is one of the toughest I have had) inspired me. I don’t think she realizes how much. She told me I NEED to be there. She also told me I need to grow up and deal with the reasons I think I can’t come back to school. (ie money…she says stop spending money on things I know I don’t need, get my finances in order, time…take one class at a time until I can do more) these things I know I should be doing but I guess I had done such a good job with telling myself why I can’t that I needed someone to put me in my place and tell me why I can and she most definitely did in her own “loving” way! So I have been taking/making plans and steps to get myself back to school. Becoming an African-American history professor is my dream more than that teaching in a college, enlightening young minds is my calling. It’s past being my passion its my duty, my mission, my responsibility!

The past few days have been so great! I love the way I feel and I don’t want this feeling to go away……..